Dear Prof. Guru,

I love video games. So much so that they have lead to the break up of my past two relationships. My girfriend left me when I would spend all my time playing Castle Wolfenstein 3D. Then it was Doom that caused my second girlfriend to leave me. Now I've got a new girfriend, Sarah. However, I am on the verge of being Arena Quake champion at my lab. Sarah doesn't seem to understand the importance of this achievement and I fear that I may be heading for another break-up. Prof. Guru, how can I save my relationship and still keep my frag count up?

-Shawn
Jackson, MO

Shawn, I see a pattern emerging in the way you relate to the opposite sex. I use patterns all the time when I play QBob. They're a sure-fire way of storming through a level in no time. Here's my pattern for level one I have developed after many hours of careful study:

Get to that teleporter before the Meteor gets you!

Finish off the cubes and push the big red button. Hurry!

The clock is ticking, get to your rocket, fast!

I hope this will help to rocket yourself to the top of the highscore list!

-Bob "The Gaming Guru" Guru